This is my first blog post EVER! I know, you can’t believe it. We all knew this day would come but we never actually prepared for it, and HERE IT IS! But let’s try to maintain our bodily functions and proceed to the next part of this debut blog post where I dive into important and healthy steps to improve our collective lives. See, this blog will be informative and enriching. Think of me like a much sexier, but far less wealthy Dr. Phil–only Hispanic…with a chihuahua.
I know you’re all busy and need to get back to surfing Facebook and Twitter to let everyone know how busy you are, so I’ll cut right to the chase and use this platform to help make the world a better place by providing VINCE’S 10 WAYS TO MAKE THE WORLD A BETTER PLACE!
10). USE YOUR FUCKING TURN SIGNAL WHEN DRIVING: How many times have you waited at an intersection for some clueless, meandering P.O.S. to cross the street, only to discover that said P.O.S. is actually turning at the light before he passes you but just didn’t feel like signaling to let you know, thus completely wasting about 10 seconds of your life in the process? My dude, you’re NOT too cool or important to use your turn signals when driving if that’s what you think–you’re just the douche that wastes everyone else’s time.
9). ABOLISH ROMANTIC COMEDY FILMS UNTIL THEY REFORM AND/OR BECOME WATCHABLE: I know what you’re thinking–“Where’s your heart, V? Romantic comedies are sweet and innocent and feel-goody.” But don’t be fooled my homies. The Rom-Com is a disastrous marketing ploy hatched by soulless Hollywood mannequins meant to squander a guy or gal’s hard-earned money on date night. PEOPLE DON’T ACT LIKE THIS IN REAL LIFE. How many times can we see Kate Hudson pretend like she can’t get a date or Ashton Kutcher fool us into thinking he knows how to act? Not me Ashton, I know the truth. Don’t be fooled people. If your date asks you to see any upcoming film with the random words: SEX, LIFE, LOVE, HEART, MY BEST FRIEND’S and BORROWED in the title, or if Katherine Heigl, Hugh Grant or Gerard Butler are in it–avoid at all costs. Run away if necessary. Don’t look back and be thankful you now know better.
7). GROUP OUR LESS IMPORTANT NATIONAL HOLIDAYS INTO ONE AWESOME HOLIDAY WEEK: Columbus Day just passed and it got me thinking to myself about this very meaningless national holiday, and I realized there’s no real reason to have it anymore since most people think Columbus is just a murdering, raping jerk who didn’t really discover anything. Soooo, instead of losing the holiday altogether and ruining a perfectly good reason to drink and party, why not group Columbus Day, President’s Day, and Memorial Day (Because isn’t it the same thing as Veteran’s Day anyway?) into one huge 3 day Holiday fest! We start it on a Wednesday and POOF! 5 days of uninterrupted awesome with no work, bills or mail as well! Let the Mayans try to compete with THAT calendar idea of amazing. *And don’t fear my International homies: you’ll have to find your own less-important holidays to group together but you can do it, I have faith! And on the topic of faith…
6.) WE COMBINE RELIGION AND THE OLYMPICS INTO ONE KICK ASS EVENT: Let’s face it, the world will never stop arguing and killing each other over silly things like which faith-based entity backed by absolutely no scientific data whatsoever is the right one–so why not combine religious wars and violence with another annoying occurrence that happens on our planet every four years–the Olympics. Yes, those all-important sporting events that nobody actually cares about for 3 and a half years until Bob Costas appears again on our TVs and tells us we should be so proud and encouraging over some guy who rocks a speedo on both his head and his junk at the same time. Well I say F that, we combine the two and now we’re talking! We can have ridiculously-awesome new events like martyr’d synchronized swimming and jihadi water polo. Or how about Hindu cricket? Anyone for crucifixion pole vaulting? They all sound like winners to me. Added bonus, for a few weeks each year, all the religious fanatics would be stuck in Olympic Village battling it out and would be out of our hair for a little bit, thus violence would decrease by proxy.
5). WE SEND ALL CLOWNS TO MEXICO TO STOP DRUG VIOLENCE: You probably think I’m using some sort of slang to refer to illegal immigrants or something but NO, that’s not how I roll my people. I literally mean we send all those scary fucking performing clowns south of the border–and here’s why. We haven’t noticed this, but while we’ve been off fighting two pointless wars in the Middle East, there’s a massively dangerous drug war we’ve been involved in that’s been costing us considerable money and countless lives through gang violence for the past three decades. So, clearly we need to think outside the box for a solution, or maybe rather– a jack-in-the-box. Let’s face it: clowns are scary. I hate ’em and so should you, what with their creepy paint and red noses. So instead of sending young soldiers or returning illegal immigrants back to try to stem the problem or ignore it, we should send all our working clowns south of the border to fight the good fight for America and Mexico. Think about it, drug cartels would be less likely to behead their enemies if they were too busy laughing hysterically at clown antics all the time. And the clowns would be happy to find active work again since most are probably out-of-work actors. Two birds, one stone.
4). WE ALSO EXILE THE FOLLOWING PEOPLE ALONG WITH THE CLOWNS BECAUSE THEY’RE ANNOYING, NO QUESTIONS ASKED: Justin Bieber, The Jersey Shore cast, Jared from Subway, Papa John (Just the owner, the pizza can stay), Lebron James, Sarah Palin, Chris Brown, Tiger Woods, Donald Trump, Paris Hilton, Charlie Sheen, Aston Kutcher, Dane Cook, Tyrese, Soulja Boy, Tiger Beat Magazine, the girl from that new show Whitney and Taylor Lautner. Kim Kardasian can stay but her sisters are out.
3). WE PUT A LIMIT ON PERSONAL WEALTH SIMILAR TO A SALARY CAP IN SPORTS: How much rich can a motherF’er really be? Well, according to Forbes, the wealthiest man in the world is a Mexican dude named Carlos Slim Helu who’s worth $7.4 Billion. Seriously, what does my man Slim need with that much coin anyway? Can he even spend that much in his lifetime? How about we cap Slim and every other rich fuck’s wealth at 100 million. If you can’t live like a straight up G with that much dough you don’t deserve to have it I say, and once a person passes that 100 million threshold, the rest of their earnings go to things that can actually help this planet out–like cancer and aids research, famine, and space study so future generations will be able to jet this planet once we’ve sufficiently screwed it up beyond repair. Sorry to put you on blast Slim, but fuck you, you’re worth $7.4 billion.
1). JUDGE YOURSELF, NOT OTHERS: and finally, the world would be a much better place if everyone simply stopped judging everyone else for their faults and looked into a mirror instead. Nobody’s perfect, especially you, so it’s not fair to expect others to be as well. More compassion and less hate, my friends, and if that sounds cliche then shut up and stop judging me and go look at yourself, jerk.
‘Till next time, pals.