Vince’s Pre-Approved List of Film & TV Remakes and Sequels…Part 1

In the car ride back from the gym this morning, Mark and I were discussing how terrible we think the new Footloose remake looks. And since this weekend will also give us the release of The Thing as well, I think it’s time I talk remakes and unnecessary sequels. I watched the trailer for Footloose on my phone and although the sound was barely audible, lemme tell you—it looks every bit as bad as a movie about a town that outlaws dancing and a reckless teen breaking all the rules to get his dance on would be. But since you know how I do, I’m a glass-half-full type of guy so instead of hating on these remakes or listing the recent bad ones or upcoming remakes which we can’t stop from coming, I thought I’d provide Hollywood with Vince’s Pre-Approved List of Movie & TV Remakes and Sequels. In some cases, I even provide a suggestion for plot and casting. Yes, I go the distance people. Hollywood, you can thank me with movie premiere tickets. Let’s get right to it gang…

GREMLINS 3: Seriously, who doesn’t love Gizmo and his mortal enemies, Spike and the Gremlins? Gizmo looks like a creepy, furry rat creature from hell yet still he defies the odds and penetrates our heart’s defenses (Yes, I just said furry and penetrates in the same sentence). And can you even remember who the human actors were in the first two movies? Didn’t think so. But, there’s one thing I do know—Howie Mandel is the voice of Gizmo and he’s still very much around, and I guarantee he would take the job. It’s a merchandising fest waiting to happen. Speaking of furry creatures…

ALF: Fuck, really? Do I have to sell this one to you guys? An anteater-looking alien who eats cats, and crash lands in suburbia from a planet destroyed by nuclear war called Melmac? Where do I sign up? And, apparently I’m not the only one who agrees because according to Wikipedia, Alf ran for 102 freakin’ episodes so there’s a rabid Alf fan base out there salivating for his return. Also according to Wikipedia, in the show’s final episode: Alf was captured by the always devious U.S. Military so his ultimate fate remains undecided. But I say–not anymore! Let’s free our favorite furry alien Alf and return him to primetime superstardom where he belongs. We can scrap Falling Skies to make room if necessary.

E.T…IN THE MIDDLE EAST! Staying on topic leads me right into my next suggestion. We bring back our original favorite alien who rides a bicycle and points a creepy finger–E.T! Now, clearly, this sequel needs a fresh change of scenery and a new cast, so what better place is there to crash land E.T’s ass back onto than say—Iran or Syria. Might I suggest that as a plot: ET’s alien race is now addicted to the Reese’s Pieces he smuggled back onto their alien ship, and now they’re strung out over the classic hard shell chocolate treats and back in our orbit in search of more. But of course, instead of landing safely near a convenient 7-11, they land smack dab in the middle of Tehran and a hotbed of radical Islamic extremism. This shit just writes itself at that point. We bring on Shia Le Bouf and film it entirely in Palm Springs and call it a day.

BAD BOYS: Let’s face it. Will Smith is just not that great by himself in a movie (yeah, don’t go droppin box office numbers on me, I’m talking quality here). But pair him with a Tommy Lee Jones, a dog, or an alien invasion (More Alf and E.T. support), and then you’ve got a multi-million dollar franchise waiting to cash out. Now, on a much darker note, I’m pretty sure my man Martin Lawrence needs this even more than ever as Big Momma’s House is all I gotta say on his side of the coin. This is a pride thing for him. So, let’s do this and bring these two homies back together, and in the process we return Michael Bay to his roots before Hasbro stole his soul and replaced it with an energon ATM machine. And on the topic of money…

SPACE JAM 2–BECAUSE, SHIT, WE NEED SOME KIND OF BASKETBALL RIGHT?: It’s getting scary people, this NBA lockout is now affecting our actual regular season games. It’s time we be proactive and find a solution and I say—screw these dudes, we don’t even need actual human basketball players. I turn to Bugs, Daffy and Porky Pig, all of whom will work endless hours entertaining us for no pay whatsoever. I’m no bigwig, corporate CEO, but even I know cheap slave labor when I see it, and these Looney Tunes are our human rights-free answer for these greedy real life athletes and team owners with their tired arguments. Added bonus: imagine the hilarity of scenes with Elmer Fudd and Dirk Nowitzki together. Pure. Gold.

COOL AS ICE: Juuuust kidding, had to check to see if you’re still with me my homies. That’s all I have time for now, but I’ll add to this list as I see fit, and I welcome your opinions and suggestions on potential Film & TV remakes as well. Clearly, I have a love for furry pets, aliens and black men with guns. ‘Till next time, pals! Enjoy the new Charlies Angels coming soon on ABC.

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